B L u R b S

Its been almost a month now since my last entry, time flies when you’re occupied with something. I haven’t been online much, just checked my mail and fb from time to time. I’ve been constantly traveling, it takes us 3 hours of travel time just to see each other, at least we’re both still within CA. Its funny the more I live here, the more I dread it. I’m looking forward to go home, I miss Malaysia. The only reason I’m still here is solely because of Justin for I have already decided on leaving before. I have lived here for almost 8 months now, and quite frankly, its not all that or at least what I expected it to be. I guess from now on, it dont matter where I am, as long as I have my other half beside me. We’ve gone thru quite a bit to get here, its true when they say, you’ll know if you’ve found the one. I haven’t had any doubts till today, I cant imagine being apart from Justin.. for a day or two, its still bearable. More than that? No way.

Cheers to the people who has betrayed me. I have one word for you folks — karma. No good can come of trusting people so easily. Not to mention treating them with respect. I won’t say I’m a bad person, but bad luck or things do happen to me often. Since I got here, strangers often approach me like they could see the vunerable side of me. Every bruise on my body reminds me of that shocking day. I’m just glad I’m okay. People change when they want to but luckily there are still people who sees the sincere side of me. Fabi texted to see how I was doing today, she’s a good person, and I find her very similar to myself. I wish good things for her, and she certainly deserve someone who would treat her right but I do understand where she’s coming from, whatever she had experienced with him, she took 3 years to get out, I’m thankful it only took me a month. I have changed a lot thru this experience. What can I say? We do live in a crazy world yet alone this is America, the land of hope and crazy.

  I’m at Reno for the weekend with my folks. I’ve never been so glad to get away from the Bay Area. I really didnt care where I was, just as long as I was far away from the city. I need a breather to reconcile from what happened. There are alot of people out there who are just pure evil, those that really has a bad heart and intentions to hurt others. No one should go through what I have, no one. This experience will scar me for life but it has made me so much stronger than I was. I won’t wish bad upon those people but one day, there will be payback.

 Those who criticize others they hardly know are insecure people. No one has the right to judge anyone without knowing them, no matter what form or where they come from.

Hahahahahahahahahaahhahahahhahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

So full of crock shit!!

Today is no doubt the most dramatic day of my life. Woo! I’m glad whatever happened, happened. God is great. If He made it any simpler, I wouldn’t have learned my lesson and I would certainly fall in the same hole again.

Just lighten on the lesson teaching next time okay? I promise this experience will forever be in my head and I will learn from it. I just feel so sad my blue Gap jacket had to sacrifice for it. I really want it backkkkkk…!

But you know, I’m actually am very thankful for my loved ones around me who has always been there for me. And till today, I’m still hopeful, I know one day love will knock on my door with someone who truly deserves me.

I’m gonna sleep it off. Erase. Nite!

I’m standing out in the patio with my legs shaking just a few minutes ago while enjoying my smokes. This afternoon I got sunburned after finish puffing a cigg. What crazy ass weather!! Its prolly in the high 60’s out tonight. Dont wanna jinx it though. The cold is way better of course.

 The dark sky is filled with stars tonight, saw a couple of planes flew by, I cant help but think of home and Missy. Sigh, my lil furball. I really miss hugging her. I really do wanna get my stuff back, tried to work on that today but I couldnt get myself to get on the freeway. I need someone to navigate me at least. Prolly at the meantime, taking the bart would be a much better option.

I’ve been addicted to the reality series on MTV, VH1 and Bravo. Its weird that how all those series reminds me of him. It weird that all they show are all these corny reality shows nowadays, most of em is about a dude or chick looking for love. Its not a bad idea having 20 men fighting to win your heart over. Hmm. Some of em are actually pretty silly, there’s all kinda drama, cat fights, bitching and etc. Guess thats the interesting part that consumed me, best describe my life–full o drama and shit.

It’s been a long day. The weather’s been extremely hot for the last two days, it was in the high 90’s, shattering previous records. The weather didnt make it any easier for me to light up in the patio without getting sunburned. Its funny before it was so freakin cold I had to constantly change hands to smoke so that I can take turns warming ‘em up in my pockets.

So what did I do today? I’ve had alot of time to review my life and think about things for the last couple of days. I wanna thank Az and Manda for listening and the girlie talk. I feel a great deal of difference now.

  I’m really proud of how I did today, I actually confronted the brutal truth. I’ve been doing things for the wrong reasons. I brought myself to confront the ghost of my previous relationship and I’ve made a confession. I knew I jumped into things really fast and I took Mike’s offer to come here for the wrong reasons. I knew I was smitten but wasnt in love. I realized I fell for his kindness for than anything else. We both didnt have too much in common. It was so wrong. I explained, apologized and I think he was okay about it though he sounded disappointed. Mike’s a great guy, for starters, he’s been honest, understanding and he tried to make me happy. But he was right, it wouldn’t have worked out on a long term basis.

 I’m aiming for different things now, I don’t have any interest in pursuing a relationship with anyone for now. Never again will I put my life on hold for anyone. The only thing I want is to work for the things I’ve lost. I want to stand on my two feet again. You gotta do what you gotta do, right?

If I could get another chance, I would do things differently, when I look back, there are so many things I wished I hadnt said and done. I seem to make the same mistakes again and again when things are good. Is it true that I’m just better off being miserable? I should have treated you better. I shouldnt have drown you with my temper again and again, everytime when you say ‘hi babe’, I should have responded with a smile instead of just ignoring you. Everytime you hug me, I should have hug you back even tighter. Everytime you kiss me, I should have kissed you back twice as much.

 I have taken things for granted because I was too arrogant towards your feelings for me. Now I just wished I could have made you even happier because you are the reason I’ve been happy.

I really miss you.